A few days ago I had a great idea about what I was going to write about this time. It was an exceptional idea, that I thought about for ages whilst driving to a job. Then I got to the job, all excited about the plans and worked my arse off to get back to thinking about it. Then I forgot. Whatever triggered the thoughts in my tiny brain, something else deleted them entirely. The idea, the plans and the fruitful and anomalous dictation that would have occurred from my mind to my digits and forth into the 'ether' that is the 'net', will never now take place. Instead of the truly wondrous arguments and counter-arguments that would have you all pondering the universe and its unknown dilemmas, I will attempt to sway your concentration here yonder - to a different place, to a subject close to my heart - or rather closer to my stomach, my belly button nd the top of my thighs. Yes, brave reader, this blog will mostly be about my knob. Or in fact, if you want to get more particular, it will be about my testes, my balls and my sperm!
Ok, if you are still reading them you really have a curious mind and a weird one at that.
So, as you know I have two 'known' children and a whole host of 'possibles' due to my 20s and 30s being a full-on party that will never be remembered by any of the mainly drunken friends that shared those years with me. However, no one has ever searched for me or at least never searched hard enough to find me and now I live a wonderful life in Canada with my Buffy and the two little terrors, I think it's likely that any other fruits of my loin are happily spending time with their 'real' dads and will not come looking. Myself and the one we call 'Buff', are happy with our offspring and will not be planning for any more buns in anyone's oven. So we have decided the best way to deal with this is to never have sex again. But what happens if we accidentally trip over the curled up carpet edge or I stand on a lego brink and fall? One of these misfortunes could end up in a predicament where we accidentally end up in coitus and if we are really unlucky, my little swimmers would meet with Buffters fluffy egg and produce yet another monster!!!
So after a lot of thought and discussion (in the 15-second advert between the first and second half of Travel Man: 48 hours in Rome, where Richard Ayoade takes a 2 day trip with Matt Lucas) we have decided to get my knob or rather my vada deferentia, sliced, chopped, curdled or whatever they do with them in order to prevent the opportunities for any other tiny people to be born and live in our house. It's full enough as it is - no more little people!!!!
Now living in Winnipeg, which is not a large city and doesn't have other large cities anywhere near it, there isn't a whole bundle of choice of where to go to get such a delicate and personal procedure completed. So I chose the nearest of the 2 clinics that we actually do have in the city. It is a whole 7-minute drive, or 20 minutes walk to the clinic, then probably a 2-hour walk home from the clinic once the deed has been done. I am planning on the procedure for sometime in January when I am off work anyway to take a couple of months parental leave, as is allowed here in the great province of Manitoba.
So if there any other reason why I chose this clinic? Well, yeas you hear me and my testicles say. That's because the video that the surgeon has posted on youtube is bloody rubbish. It is like something from the 70's with weird greenscreen backgrounds ow various landmarks of Winnipeg all designed (I think) to lull you into a false sense of security, that no one could be as bad at vasectomies as they are making videos. Here is the actual video he promotes himself by...
click here if you dont see a video
His website needs a bit of help too. Especially the bit that says -
- You may use your mobile device to amuse yourself during the procedure. Being entertained is an excellent distraction! Ear buds are recommended.
What the hell does that mean?
There is also an explanation of how to collect a sperm sample later on...
How to Provide a Sperm Sample
1) Abstain from ejaculation for 48 hours prior to collection of semen sample.
2) Collect sample in the clean container provided. DO NOT collect the sample in a rubber condom or use a lubricant, as this will interfere with the sperm motility.
3) The whole sample of semen should be collected.
4) The lab requisition form must be brought in with the labeled container.
5) Bring the sample to the lab as soon after collection as possible, within 30 minutes is best, although within one hour will be accepted.
6) Keep the sample warm as close as possible to body heat en route to the lab. This may be best done in cold weather by carrying it in an inside pocket. Chilling of this specimen will result in reduced sperm motility.
Haahaa so many questions - If I live more than an hour away, should I wait till I get there and do it in the car park?
Keep the sample warm! (The best way is sure to keep it in me until I get there!) Does he not have one of those rooms with dirty magazines? Or can I use my phone to 'Amuse myself' again?
I have to bring the form with the sample - Best I don't spill anything eh!
It's all a little bit too much information - at least there are no diagrams though phew!
So there you go, that's the dude who will be entrusted with not making me a eunuch in January!
That's is the future though, today is the now and what has already happened can sometimes be called - the past. I think its now time to talk a little about the recent past. This is what we have been doing...
Hannah has been enjoying a little of the snow we have had. Its been a gentle introduction to winter this year - It's already the 15th November and normal by now we have a few inches of white doom settled on the ground. But thanks to a couple of days of Indian summer most of te fallen snow has melted and apart from the odd patch where the sun can't reach, we have clear ground. Hannah, therefore, made the most of the few inches we had a couple of weeks go - eating as much as she could!
Buffy and I have been trying to get out together a little more too - Buffy has been spending long days cooped up in the house with the kids and its nice for us to get out together - even if getting out means a drive-through burger, eating in the car and visiting weird and free places near Winnipeg. One of the places we have been is the site of what was supposed to become a huge concrete factory back in the 50s or 60s. It was never finished and is now known as the concrete cemetery. Its basically circular hills with concrete pilings nearly 70 years old, still pointing to the sky, in a field by a gravel track in eth middle of nowhere. It's quite weird but fun to visit and great to take photos of.
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| Cool faces! |
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