Thursday, March 19, 2020

The first erotic virus scene from 'Covid and Corona' twins of destiny.





Welcome to History in the making.

Remember at school when you learned about the Romans building viaducts or the famous Battle of Hastings in 1066 - in recent history, we had two world wars ( and one world cup) as well as 9/11 and of course The Treble in 1999.

Well, in a few years, our kids and their kids will talk about Covid/Coronavirus and 2020.
The year the world shut down.
Italians singing on their Balcony,
Tom Hanks and Idris Elba getting the plague and of course  - toilet roll.

So, so much about Toilet roll. People will be getting degrees based on their thesis about the great toilet roll depression, the whys and hows and what the fucks of why so many stupid stupid people bought so so much toilet roll but seemingly didn't worry that there may be food needed, to generate the bodies internal organs into making the poo that they want to wipe away with so so much soft fluffy paper! I apologise to anyone reading this who bought more than 24 rolls of toilet paper - yep, I understand you were worried, but I apologise profusely to you. I apologise for whatever education system gave you the shit for nothing brains that you have been dealt with and hope that when wake up in a couple of months (if you do) that you will be happy to take you leftovers to the nearest football ground and when the season restarts you will throw the remainder of your clagwipe onto the pitch to remind us of the glory days of the old first division and when Liverpool used to win titles...





One of the best things I have seen in response to working from home and having the kids at home from school or daycare was an idea from Wolseley Parent - a local Facebook group.
The basic idea was to complain about your kids, but instead of calling them kids, call them your coworkers   - but tell exactly what they have been doing all day...Heres what happened...(Apologies to anyone who didn't want their name shown...

  • Andrea de Vries My coworkers keep grinding me for snacks and they’re leaving half-drunk drinks all over my office😂😂
    2
  • Jennifer Bisch My coworker put butterscotch pudding in their soup and then complained that it smelled like feet.
    5
  • Sara Heinrichs My coworker pinched my other coworker and they ended up having a full on brawl in the office!
  • Phoebe Burns Proven My youngest coworker cried piteously for 15 minutes because our other coworker did not take her for a ride in the car when he moved it from the backyard to the front street.
    Another coworker told me that she doesn’t know how to access her email from a
    See more
    3
  • Katrina Tessier My coworker keeps barking like a dog.
    4
  • Tee Jay My coworker drove her car in the office.
    2
  • Mark Dewar My coworkers are farting like Clydesdales.
    4
  • Lisa Harms My coworker ran into the kitchen to proudly tell me that she pooped in the living room.
    8
  • Tessa Nussbaum My coworkers idea of office attire (when they're wearing clothes) includes tutus and bathing suits.
    1
  • Ainsley Krone My coworker just took her vitamin and is now dramatically clutching her throat and making tortured faces because she “hates vitamins” and why do I insist on punishing her?
  • Julia Rux My coworker spent half an hour flailing around on his office floor muttering and yelling about toots and poops.
    2
  • Jenn Em I asked my coworker to do their work and they threw themselves down on the ground and screamed.
    3
  • Jenn Em my other coworker came to the office naked
    3
  • Rebecca Beatty one of my coworkers keeps running around the office in circles and throwing their stuffed Teddy they have just named Hobbes up in the air and blaming their poor behaviour on the bear. My other coworker has resorted to only speaking in baby talk. Oh wait she informs me that she is speaking French. Our third coworker fell asleep upstairs.
    1
  • Kerry Ryan My coworker dropped her pencil sharpener, causing The Worst St. Patrick's Day Ever.
    2
  • Lis Ash My coworkers built a house for the leprechauns today!
  • Nisha Tuli My one coworker started screaming at another coworker because she pushed him out of the way to get to the toilet first.
    1
  • Kimberley BedonaPadua My coworker just 🤢 threw 🤮 up her meal all over herself, the dog and my feet. All because I said he had to finish his meal. (After three bites of chicken)
    1
  • Sheri Bailey My coworker carved a face into an empty Kleenex box and put it on the office cat’s head.
    5
  • Heather Hall My co workers are reorganizing the entire house in order to create a bedroom for two rabbits they found on kijiji.
    2
  • Vee Kathryne My coworker just fell asleep holding both my ears
    4
  • Karin Newman My co-workers made pancakes for lunch and started a mural on the drywall.
    1
  • Kristin Stoezel My coworker wrote a story about poo today, and my other coworker repeatedly lifts my shirt throughout the day to give me raspberries.
    3
    • Kayla Charlotte Kristin Stoezel this is my
      Hoise always but there’s also an enthusiastic sing along about my
      Boobies. My boyfriend is a huge part of our lives but our houses are not one yet. He comes over for supper one day. Just an innocent guy. The girls sre
      See more
      1
  • Emesha Boyko My coworker just started enjoying bathing again after a year of resisting it, so everyone at the workplace is relieved.
    1
  • Toby McCrae My coworkers are begging to go back to school because working from home involves actual work, not video games.
  • Teresa Prokopanko My coworker dumped pop all over the carpet and then rubbed her hand in it. She also insisted I follow her up the stairs multiple times.
  • Lynn Campbell My coworker ran over and stomped on my foot while grabbing my leg. When I pulled my leg away she cried and threw her cheese on the floor. I was very tempted to fire her.
    9
  • Marianne Cerilli Funniest thing I’ve read in a while. Thanks
    1
  • Crystal Bantel My coworker is snipping through mounds of play dough with a tiny scissors, at 11 PM, because he had a late nap.
  • Crystal Bantel My other coworker is sleeping on the job. I might literally have to carry her into her bed.
  • Bronagh Nazarko My coworker asked me to wipe his poopy bum while I was on a conference call with the company president.
    3
  • Kyla Pedersen My coworker put a blackberry on the carpet and promptly stepped on it. The staircase will never be the same. Same coworker keeps using me as a human kleenex. The other coworker, with more seniority, sang the ABCs to grandma via FaceTime, but every letter was replaced with poop. What is with these coworkers and poop??
  • Phoebe Burns Proven My previously happy healthy coworker is unravelling rapidly and no amount of pseudo-routine or nurture or self-care seems able to break through her anger and grief at this situation. My understanding of her still-developing prefrontal lobe allows me tSee more
  • Crystal Bantel My coworkers are fighting over my ONE birthday balloon. It’s my birthday and it’s not an awfully happy one because my coworkers are just going nuts.
    1

  • So, over here in Canada, things are not so bad - yet. There are deaths and there are infected people, but here in Winnipeg we only have 15 with the virus as of today. 
  • The government here seems to be on top of getting things shut down and most restaurants and cafes etc are closing soon or already closed. A lot of people are working from home if possible and schools and daycares are closed. A lot of people seem to be carrying on just normally, although looking at what happened in Spain, France and Italy along with where the UK is heading very soon, it won't be long till we are all holed up in our houses. 
I don't know if you all know of the issues that can cause though...because you might notice it soon. 
The main thing people are doing while staying at home is using the internet - you are doing it right now! That's fine. But so many people are working from home using the net that it is causing issues. 
Think about it - most businesses provide business internet for their workers. Sometimes a couple of different networks. They pay a premium for a connection that allows multiple users to connect all at the same time. 

Now all those users are at home. They are using their inferior home internet connections, with a lower speed that may or may not share services with neighbours around them. You also have all the young kids off school, watching youtube or playing Fortnite or tiktokking or whatever kids do. People are trapped at home, with nothing to do but worry about the virus or watch the latest Ru Paul drag race episode. 

Don't worry though, it's all fine. One of the good things that will come from Corona is a better steadier backbone for the internet, for communications at home and worldwide. It might just take a while for it to get set up. The internet will survive, but it's being battered at the moment. 

Take a look at these maps which show where there are currently problems with cell networks and internet connections...orange and red mean there are problems. You will be able to get online and you will be able to make that call. It might just take a while!!





So with my bullshitometer what else do I foretell about the virus and how it will affect people of the future?

Well, imagine this little story because I am positive sometime in the future we will hear a tale that goes something like this- 
Two people wander into a dank, dirty out of town supermarket and spot the last slightly bent tin of spaghetti hoops. They lock eyes and rush to grab the final pathetic meal they can afford. Elbows and knees scratch against the floor as fingers poke and scrape at each other, the shelf and the unclean supermarket vinyl stained by a thousand previous scuffles just like this. But as they roll on the ground they feel each others warmth, their grips tighten and then release  - and then tighten again - but this time on each other instead of the small scarred forgotten tin. Their eyes open and their lips touch. Clothes begin to be ripped from torsos and before they can stop, they have committed the ultimate sin. Forlorn and sheepishly they rise, grab the tin, smile and then run off into the dark cold night towards a future they could never have imagined.

Nine months later and they are sat in a virus-free world with two tiny twin boys - Corona and Covid - named after the virus that brought their parents together. They really should have named them spaghetti and hoop, but that wouldn't have got the same movie rights that they just sold for $34. So begins the life of the first two virus babies!!  

Its definitely going to happen.

Anyway - enough virus bollocks. 
Just to let you know we are all well. Especially Hannah - or Hanny as she now calls herself. She is growing up into a tiny super independent little girl. She wants to know everything and try everything. Her latest things are saying 'up up up' whenever she climbs anything, saying 'Batch', which means bed when she wants to sleep or wants us to sleep (Before waking us up by hitting us) She loves to fistbump, say Hiya and Bye to people as they come and go. She is also awesome at learning how and when to do things. If she spills milk, she comes to the kitchen, asks for a sponge and goes to clean it up.  She understands almost everything we say and her vocabulary increases every day. She eats so so much now and she seems to be really smart, but with the greatest and dirtiest giggle which we cannot get enough of. It's so great being her parents and I am hoping to be around so much more in the next few weeks as we work from home.


Pizza

Helping make some Ikea drawers - she likes the screwdriver!

Changing dollies diaper and clothes

sword fighting

pulled pork time

20 months

Playing the piano with her friend Finn

Stealing mums pregnancy pillow

while 3-month pregnant mum lies on the floor. 

and some videos...
dancing



more dancing
and shopping cart fun



The final bit of news is that spring is coming. Slowly. 
The sun is a little higher in the sky and now reaches over the house to hit the top of the ice wall. 
This means it has begun to melt which made for a couple of nice photos.



However, with bits starting to fall off, we thought it better to knock the top layers down before it fell on someone's head...



So that's it for winter (nearly) in a few short weeks we will actually be able to go outside while we sit at home self-isolating. What fun times we live in!

Be safe, don't be knobs and look after your neighbours! See you all soon!




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