If only life were simpler. We could all be so happy.

Take a look around yourself. What do you see? Do you have all modern mod cons, such as TV, mobile phone, recycling bin, safe comfortable seats on your big lush sofa, magic see through walls that allow light to pass through but keep flies and cold out? Its fucking magic isn't it? Life is generally pretty damn good for us privileged few. At the moment I am sitting outside on my back deck listening to music playing through the 6 inch high handheld computer that not only holds all the information known to man, but also doubles as a way of ignoring or shouting abuse at someone you don't actually want to have to spend any time with.

We are lucky to be living on the most technically advanced day ever. Until tomorrow, when someone else invents something that does the things that you don't yet know that you cant live without. You will be able to do something much faster and better than you have ever done that thing before and will need to do that thing every day until you die, even though until today you didn't know that thing was actually a thing.

However, instead of brainy people inventing things for the future of mankind I wish someone would look backwards sometimes and try to solve some of the worst first world problems that dog my and your everyday lives. I just don't know how I get through the days sometimes when these things are all around me...

1. The basement and the bathroom.
Buffy and I live in a house. We think this house is nice. It has air conditioning which means we can make it hot or cold whenever we choose simply by rubbing our finger ends against a small button attached to a wall. But when we retire at night to the dungeon we call a basement, with its huge flat screen TV we have to turn on a fan heater as its always cold down there.

Like the surface of mars in a martian winter with the fridge door open.

Then we climb the stairs towards heaven and when we reach our boudoir its so hot, we have to take an ice bath before managing to get only 6 or 7 hour sleep in  the stifling heat.

Melty hot like toast left in the oven in the desert on a sunny day.

I suppose I could move the bedroom downstairs and the TV room upstairs, but that would be far too much work!!


2. The sandwich box and the shelf
In our cooking room, we have a huge cooling cupboard. Its much bigger than the cooling cupboards I was brought up with in England because over here everyone stores about 35343 different types of salad sauce (dressing to posh people) In England salad dressing was only available in one flavour - Ketchup flavour. Oh, and salads were made up of pie and chips.
Anyway, I make my sandwiches for work the evening before sometimes and cannot fit my square sandwich box into the cooling cupboard without having to move a pot of cheesy stuff or a can of fizzy liquid. Its a nightmare. Its a wonder I don't just give up sometimes.

How can I live with such frustration.

3. The garage door gap.
I have a nice little car that is paid for by the same kindly people who pay me to play with telephones. I drive it home each night and let it sleep in the car house which is in the small field behind the abode I share with my lovely, but also crazy wife. Its like a big mouse hole, but for a car not a big mouse.
This car house has a super door, that rolls up into the roof whenever I press the special button that sits just by my noggin as I drive. This allows me to drive the car into its house without having to get my lazy pale coloured arse out of my comfortable heated driving seat and have to stand in the snow/sunshine/rain whilst using my soft 21st century pampered hands to do the job manually.

The titanic can float through there with the iceberg.

The door itself is probably built by people who don't even own a car and would wonder just how lazy we really need to be before we realize the world is doomed to failure as we all die of exhaustion when we have to get up to go to our front door for one final 16 inch super pizza delivered from dominoes. (Anyway I digress) The thing about this super dooper door is that it has a huge gaping hole.
Like the Grand Canyon.
To a lay persons eyes (someone laying down?) it must look like a small 2-3 cm gap at the bottom of the door and wouldn't be a problem. But to me it is the start of the beginning of the end. The bottom of the door does not reach the ground at one end. Have you ever tried not reaching the ground? OK, stand up and look down... Do you reach the ground? I do most of the time unless I stand on something.. But I very rarely have a gap between myself and the rest of the things under me. This door does. It must think itself to be so super fucking special! It causes me so much displeasure and also means that once or even twice a year I have to spend 4 or 5 minutes sweeping up the small pile of dust that blows through this void in time and space. It really does annoy me a little.


 4. An alternative solution to the garage door gap issue.
I have thought long and hard about the issue and believe there to be a solution. If I disregard the need to park my vehicle inside and instead use the car house as a storage area for boxes and cat litter, I can leave my car parked on the road, where homeless people and vagabonds can marvel at the tinted windows and headrests before breaking open the door locks and using the back seat as a night club. Why indeed would I park an expensive car in a small building where no one can see it, when I could leave it in the street for all to wonder at, whilst the empty cardboard boxes I hoard after every purchase can be left inside instead to copulate and increase in number until small children get lost in there and never return. I decided against this approach though as I really don't want to have to use all my energy moving my stick like legs more that 12 feet at a time as I walk from the petrol powered amchine to my back door. I really will just have to live with the gap or fill it up with cement.

5. Weeds and dead trees that just wont die!
Our field is very small. If you compared it to a normal farmers field you would probably notice that we could only fit 2 or even 3 cows in our field. If we grew pigs until they were big enough for us to chop up and enjoy the lovely bacon, we could probably fit 5 at a time and 1 or 2 more in the car house, but that would mean moving the car and I'm not getting into that again. Plus I don't think the pigs would be able to correctly use the garage door opener with their piggy trotters.

Grazing for at least 2 sheep

So we shall continue to use our little field like a grown up playground. We shall enjoy the sunshine when it flows down on our outside space, but will forever be annoyed at our inability to cope with the trees that don't die in our field that we call a garden.

The dwellers before us took big chopping devices to two trees in our garden and left then beheaded. Just stumps by the car house, left to dwell on what could have been if they had been left to grow. But nature found a way and these same stumps now sprout leaves and branches that constantly taunt me by waving in the wind as I pass by. I chop them out and they grow back - sometimes within seconds they are there again laughing at me. As for weeds - well, weeds are misunderstood I think. I really don't mind them as long as they allow me to have the pleasure of using the death blade 3000 grass killing machine without getting in the way too much. Plus it gives the cows something to chew on. Those trees though.... aaaargh!! Sometimes I think I will give up gardening and get some AstroTurf in and make a bowling green. But that might attract weird people and their even weirder throwing balls, so that's probably a bad idea.

There was nothkng there when  took the photo. It grew in less than a nanosecond.

Words do not do it justice. It should be dead - but will live forever, like the queen.

So you can conclude that life can be difficult. I'm sure you have many of the same thoughts as me. But I am there for you. We all need to be there for one another in such a difficut and troubling world.

Be nice to each other and the weeds.