Sweating, pooping, dodgy deliveries and homeless children

It's been a weird few weeks for this little old body of mine. 

I got my vaccine shot a couple of weeks back and had to ask the pharmacist if she had done it yet - I felt nothing - Then, as a lot of people have experienced, I was fucked up for about 36 hours. Hot sweats, cold shivers, aching everything and a bed that looked like I had been swimming in it. All a bit horrible but worth it all to get this shit covid thing done and dusted (Even if I did get eth Astra Zeneca - I was always a bit of s cheapskate, so that suits me fine!) 

My sweaty post-vaccine bed

I also had to give my 'sample', to a different pharmacy to test that my vasectomy actually worked. 

This was fun - not just because of the obvious - but due to Covid the queues at the pharmacies are often outside and quite long. I had been told by them to keep my sample at body temperature (I had a cooler bag warmed up ready to go) and get the sample to them within half an hour of 'acquiring' it. 

So there I am driving down the road with a bottle of man juice in a small bag on eth passenger seat. Hoping no one stops me thinking I look dodgy. I get to the pharmacy and stroll to the front of the queue of ill-looking people and tell the staff member  'I have a timed specimen'. The door opens and in I go straight to the front looking really important. 

Wonderful.

I drop off the bottle and form and leave quickly to head to work. 

The moral of the story - If you want to jump a queue - Have a wank and carry the ejaculate round in a bag and be confident about it!- No one will dare touch you! 

I actually just got the result and its a pass - No more babies for me!!

(Not that there is ever much chance of that with two small people ruining pretty much any possibility of adult fun!!) 

NONE SEEN!!

The last weird thing to do with my body consists of 3 small cardboard 'envelopes', 3 wooden sticks, some really rubbish tissue paper and my poop!

As I am now 50, the local health service sent a voluntary Colon Cancer test. This is a 'do at home' test and basically consists of taking a sample of your own poop and sending it through the mail to be tested.  - Yes, in Canada it is completely legal to send some shit in the post@!!

Anyway, the instructions were pretty exact  - 

1.    Flush and clean the toilet bowl.

2.    Get stick and 1 envelope ready. 

3.    Place one of the tissue sheets, on top of the water (This will 'catch' the log apparently)

4.     Take a poo onto the sheet.

5.    Scoop up poo with a stick and smear onto the inside of cardboard envelope. 

6.     Repeat the whole disgusting thing for 3 days while storing poopy envelope out of reach of children and pets!

It all sounds pretty simple - But it took all 3 goes to get it just right. 

Attempt 1.

Well, this was just ridiculous. 

What the instructions DO NOT explain is that the tissue paper really doesn't last that long. It is flushable and breaks up pretty easily. So by the time I was sitting ready to 'drop the kids off at the pool', the paper had soaked through. It couldn't catch anything never mind one of my solid rocket-shaped tsunami bombs! this is what happened. 

Yep, the sample dropped straight through the paper and ended up in the depths of the bowl. 

Luckily the sticks they supplied were pretty long and I did manage to scrape a few blobs off and into the envelope for delivery. 

Attempt 1 score - 2/10

Attempt 2

Now, this was just as bad as number 1. I now knew about the tissue issue (Nice rhymes eh?)

So this time I prepared everything except the 'catch device'. 

I sat waited and at the very last second did the switcheroo - Stand up, twist, place tissue, setback down. 

I dropped the depth charge. Continued to drop a depth charge. Panic set in because the depth charge was now much too large to sit nicely on the landing pad. 

Finally, the depth charge cracked off and then I twisted again - with it ALL hanging out, to try and recover the Titanic before it sank to the bottom of the ocean again. I did not feel like 'The king of the world' at that moment. 

The deed was done though and the 2nnd envelope was 'sealed!

Attempt 2 score - 2/10

Attempt 3

This attempt was heavily influenced by the previous 2. Preparation started the evening before. Plenty of liquids were consumed and a plan was hatched. (So that the actual 'hatching' could be easier)

As before the envelope and sticks were laid out close by. The landing pad unfirled and after the internal preparation, the 'kids', were ready to be dropped 'at the pool'. 

The last-minute twisteroo went well and just like sn15. the landing was gentle and controlled. 

Collecting the final sample was easy and clean and within a few seconds the envelope was sealed, ready for its slightly smelly trip with Canada Post (No stamp required)

It all goes to prove that Practice poop makes perfect pooping possible!

Attempt 3 Score 9/10

The big news in the house is the kitchen!

Finally a month after it was started the kitchen is nearly finished. We have had new flooring put down, painted the tiles and bulkheads and had all the doors and the cupboards replaced or refinished. We are really happy that instead of a dated worn out kitchen, we now have a nice clean modern space to cook in. We just have to decide on a colour for the wall and we will repaint those soon....here's some before, during and after photos....

The kids have now left home and are living under a bridge near the river. We never really liked them much anyway, so it's now good to have an empty room that we can rent out like an Airbnb. However because of the COVID, no one is allowed to stay in our house at the moment, so we are using it as a grow op - for potatoes and carrots - here's the first thing we planted...

It's not much to start with but those carrots are so Moorish and it will save us 25c per carrot over the next year or so. 

Anyway, the kids seem happy now they are out in the open air. We often see them begging at the traffic lights for cigarettes and coffee so they are doing really well. When we feel generous we allow Hannah to come and play in the garden with the rake and some leaves and a big paper garbage bag. It save me doing the gardening. I am sure when they grow up they will appreciate the freedoms we have allowed them. 

Before they left home we did do some cool things with them.. .Here's a generous helping of 'the kids'. 

Hannah practising walking slowly...with pants down...

Hannah 'bombing' dolly

Me bombing Hannah

Oliver taking a drink - from a cup

Hannah and Oliver chatting

Hannah climbing a mountain

We got out and about on bikes, made it to the zoo (again) and played with loads of stuff before we threw the kids out. Hannah learned to make mud in the garden in the same way I did with Gareth and Chris when I was a kid. It's been a good spring so far - here are some highlight photos

Hmm, I kind of miss the kids looking at these photos. Maybe I will let them move back into the house. 

The last two things I want to mention - Buffy got vaccinated yesterday - Yay!!

and I saw some really shit graffiti - Someone must have been turned down for a loan and they really stuck it to the banks - I think this may well be the beginning of a new financial crisis - FUCK BANKS apparently!! hahaha what makes someone go out with a spray can and write this under a bridge - twoce? Some people are just strange...