I have never been someone who has hidden anything or has real secrets, especially about myself or my experiences. Everyone knows the 'Lesbian/Chlamydia in the eye story' (If you don't then feel free to ask I will explain) and that I am due to have a vasectomy on Jan 11th - My shaved ballsack looks like an over ready mini chicken at the moment) If that isn't the truth, then who knows what is!
I learned during my army career that it's better, to be honest, and live with the consequences rather than hide things (and still live with consequences.) Al least if you are open the people can understand how you are feeling and why and if need be they can assist you to feel better.
So with all that in mind it is pertinent to start this post with some truth -
I am struggling a bit at the moment. I am finding it difficult coping with being a dad to two kids. I need to take more breaks, and a little time on my own. Buffy has been amazing and understanding. I go running once every couple of days - even in the winter - and this helps me think and get my head straightened out.
I don't have depression, I am pretty sure of that. But I had to read a lot of medical pages on the internet to work out that I DONT have depression. The fact that I spent time looking into what depression is and how it manifests itself might give you an impression of how I have been feeling.
I love Buffy and Hannah and Oliver to the ends of the earth. I would do anything for them. But the combination of two kids, the lack of sleep, the feeling of utter uselessness when I am unable to get Oliver to sleep or eat or just keep still when I hold him - It has grown on me in the last couple of months. I have been able to keep control. Putting Oliver down gently and walking away before clenching my fists and swearing out loud - Taking a quick break before heading back to him to pick him up gently and try, try, try again to calm him down.
I found myself once, just once, really shouting at Hannah - I don't remember what she did, but this one time she just pushed something a little too far and I lost to with her. I immediately felt like shit. She is 2 1/2 and is tiny and an absolute treasure. She cried a lot and I tried for the next 24 hours to make it up to her as well as tiptoeing around her so as not to upset her again. But I felt like an absolute piece of shit. I would never ever do anything to hurt her. Shouting at her when she is being a terror or doing something really wrong might be ok, but this time it was all me. She was just playing and I nearly lost it.
On Christmas day, supposedly the best day to have kids, I had to go and take a walk on my own. I shed a couple of tears as I felt so bad. The gift opening for me was awful. You expect wide eyes and bliss from the kids opening their new presents, but I didn't see any of that. I felt terrible - I don't know what I expected, but Hannah is too young to really appreciate Christmas and I should know that. I wanted to see the joy and feel like I was in a black and white movie, but instead, it felt like a huge letdown.
Buffy has noticed a constant change in my moods - One minute I am on fire and full of energy and the next I am at a low, sad, quiet or angry. She has been great though and has been the catalyst I needed to look into the issues. We talked late into the night about the feelings I have been having and what has ben affecting them. We are sharing more of the burden of the kids, which makes me feel more worth. I have had a couple of phone calls with a medical professional about my feelings and the situation. Every night before sleep we discuss the good points from the day and make sure we are both happy before sleep. She also found an app which I have been using for just over a week. It is a mood tracker, which allows me to make notes of how I am feeling, good or bad and why I feel that way.
All these things have really helped. Instead of my moods descending downwards until I feel sad and useless, I am able to track them in real-time and talk about them when I need to - or at the very least write something down about how I feel. Just the act of doing that brings my mind into focus and helps alleviate the sadness and anger. Writing this blog, right now, is helping me. Its actually a wonderful feeling - like releasing a valve - loosening the pressure on my overworked and tired mind. It also helps Buffy and the kids - I am able to walk away and count to 10, 100 or 1000 well before I lose my temper or reach a point when I am on the edge. In the last few days, I have been able to get Oliver to both sleep and eat multiple times (although last time I tried he was being a knob, so I put him down and let Buffy take over) I am really close with Hannah again and love spending time with moth my kids - even when Hannah is being a pain and Oliver is crying his little eyes out!
I am sure everything is going to be ok. I have a good little family and they now know how I am feeling and together we will all be ok.
That's enough of all that - Thanks for reading - Heres some photos and videos from 2021 so far..
Crazy Hanny sledding... I wasn't allowed to ride with her after a couple of goes. I had to run alongside and pull her back up the hill - It was knackering but fun!
Hanny watching the Riots at the US Capitol
Rick, I wish I had been as wise as you when having two babies was sometimes just more than I could handle. It was a time when reaching out - telling the truth - would have felt like (and I believed would have been perceived as) me being a failure as a parent. There is nothing that can make one feel more helpless than a crying baby who just can't be comforted no matter how hard you try. My second child cried continuously for 7 months - and all I could feel was incompetent, unworthy, and unappreciated for all of my efforts to comfort. My first child - more than once - suffered the results of my lack of sleep and patience. Please know that your pain and self doubt are common - just seldom acknowledged - and that if there is anything I can do to help (or just give you and/or Buffy a break, please let me know. And thank you for reaching out.
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