Thursday, September 5, 2013

Muscles - mine versus the son of God!!!

Its been a relatively quiet week here in Manchester. This is mainly due to still being messed up with my neck and back. The disc in my back that has been causing all the problems is getting better but slowly and I have been spending most of my time on the sofa or down the pub, where the 'pain relief', has been flowing nicely. We have taken the dog out for a walk too, but that's been it for the last few days. I'm actually trussed up at the moment with tape all down my shoulder in an attempt by Julie, my physio, to take some of the strain off my shoulder muscles which are trying to take the weight off my head. I'm hoping it works and gets better real soon.
On the physio table...

Electrical muscle stimulation

Keeping a straight posture

Anyway, for now since I have been telling you all about my knackered muscles, I will tell you an interesting theory that me and Buffy came up with when we met a strange couple on the train to Toronto. Apologies if anyone if offended, but this is a serious discussion!!...Honestly!!


....Whilst we were travelling in the train from Winnipeg to Toronto, we spotted a couple sitting opposite us. They weren’t strange in looks as they were wearing normal, if a little dated clothes. They were in their late forties but didn’t come across as the sporty or keep fit types. As I say they looked pretty normal, but we picked up on what they were reading.....

The lady started reading a bible, while the man was reading a religious story in some unknown magazine (We knew it was religious by the pictures we could see, but have no idea what it was about.) Anyway, after no more than a couple of minutes the woman put her bible down and took out a special edition of ‘Men’s Health’, magazine. The magazine had the usual photograph of a sweating topless bloke on the cover with washboard abs and a deep tan.

The woman then started to read out loud about how to gain great abs in just a few weeks and the bloke put down his religious stories and listened intently, commenting on how he should do his abdominal exercises after his workout instead of before. So it turns out that the guy is trying to keep fit and look after his body as well as being a follower of religion his wife is helping him along by reading up on new exercises and methods. Not too weird, but we though it worth a mention just because they seemed more intent on this keep fit procedure than any religion. It also posed a question for us that I will attempt to answer right now – that is – Was Jesus hot? Or to put it another way – did Jesus have a six pack and arms like Brutus!?
Jeeeesus was happy - but was he ripped??

Let’s start at the beginning – Now we all know the story (do we?) of Joseph and Mary. Joseph was the long suffering husband of the more famous ‘Mary’, the parents of Baby Jeeeesssus. I say long suffering because Mary had a nickname – ‘Virgin Mary’. Yep, Joseph somehow got himself involved not only with a virgin, but someone so virginal that she had a nickname in town letting everyone know just how virginal she was.

This would obviously mess with a man’s head. You have this girlfriend you like, but all your mates know she is a virgin and will remain so forever. Imagine a night down at the local drinking establishment. Everyone there discussing the days stoning, the gladiator games and how many sheep they have, when in walks poor Joseph. The room goes quiet. Joseph – head down - goes to the bar and gets a cup of mead – when out breaks raucous laughter as someone just mentions the word ‘Virgin’. It’s not good for a blokes machismo is it? So Joseph must do something about it to get back some status with the blokes – the best way is if he was hard and ripped like a bodybuilder – no one would mess with him then and the taunts would stop!
Jeeeeesus getting in some carpentry in between magic shows and personal appearances!

Luckily, Joseph as we know was a carpenter and in those days – without electricity and power tools everything was done by hand. So Joseph would be lugging around tree trunks – cutting them by hand and working long hard days sculpting them into chairs, tables and even the odd crucifix! It’s a good job to have and also one to keep him in good shape throughout. Joseph was definitely fit and looked after himself.

Now imagine baby Jeeeeesus. He is growing up around all this. Yeah, he plays a with his 12 mates – having the odd tea party and stuff, hiding in caves and playing Romans and Jews – but all the while he sees his ‘dad’ working hard and as we all know young lads always look up to their fathers, so I have no doubt that pretty soon, Joseph would be showing Jeeesus the ropes and helping him make his first coffee table.

Jeeesus never had a proper job as far as I know. He performed a few tricks here and there like turning water to wine (Maybe the real story is he was turning wine into Gatorade??) - but a bit like David Blaine, these were few and far between, so I’m sure in his spare time when he wasn’t making personal appearances he was on his lathe making legs for pool tables and maybe even carving bits of wood to look like Buddha and Gansesh (The Indian Elephant God) just for something to do and gain a wider audience. Of course he was also working out in the evenings before his ‘meetings’, so that he looked at tip top conditions for his followers.  I even think he may have gotten a stage name – He didn’t want to change it too much, but maybe he decided to go with something like – ‘G-Zus’. It sounds the same as Jesus, but looks way cooler – like a rapper!
G-Zus - always a proud son!

Therefore, I’m sure G-Zus was ripped. His six pack would put any modern day body builder to shame and like our new friends on the train, I’m sure he put down his bible now and again and looked through the pages of ‘Fitness Freak’ to find out some new ways of getting massive guns. Remember he also had a pretty good diet with loads of fish and the odd glass of red wine -home brewed from water!!
An actual poster of Jeeeesus (Before changing his stage name)

 I can imagine him now, stood atop a rock preaching to thousands of followers. He grabs his long robes and rips them apart in a show of strength as he pulls them off himself to reveal a tiny pair of golden trunks and a glistening, tanned muscle torn body. He winks at the crowd and raises up his arms to the side into a pose showing off his 6 pack, tan and huge biceps. He extends one index finger and twists a wrist outwards showing even more bulging bicep. He pauses, smiles, over-confidently blows a kiss and speaks to the masses before him: - ‘This way to redemption...’ The crowd goes wild!
Get your own Jeeeesus doll!

On the next episode –Do you have stain glassed windows in your bathroom?


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