I have been busy with Christmas for the last few days, much like the rest of the world. But I have decided, for now, to completely ignore the festive season on the blog. I thought I would take the same sort of line as the TV networks, who either play repeats of old TV classics or some new funny show to take our minds off all the food, booze and lack of sleep over the last week or so. I could have posted a repeat of one of my favourite blog posts - but much like TV nowadays, anyone could just look through them all online and read one that you liked. So I have gone for option two and here it is - a totally new and hopefully mildly amusing new blog post.
I had this idea whilst sitting on a plane on my last journey down to the States. There is an airline catalogue called 'Skymall', which had me crying with laughter with their totally absurd products. Here, for your amusement are some of my favourites......
1. Golf Hat. This isn't that unusual of funny, but what made me laugh is the writing beneath the photo - 'For Instant smiles wear a shady visor with a built in doo'. Yep, instant smiles from everyone laughing at you!!
2. Musical tooth brushes. I thought this would be a great idea to give someone who hated Justin Bieber or Lady Gaga. Imagine, stealing their toothbrush and making them listen in agony every morning as they brush their teeth!!
3. Watch case. This just seemed weird for so many reasons. Firstly, how many people do you know who have more than 3 watches? Secondly, why would you want to showcase you watches on little pillows? Imagine being invited around for dinner and someone wants to take you to their room to 'see my watches'. Not normal. Even the woman in the photo has a look of someone saying, 'Help me, my boyfriend has 30 watches, but no shoes!!'
4. Shoes. The only two things I will say about these shoes are:- Anti Gravity??
5. Phone wallet. This is the worst idea ever...Unless you are a pickpocket. Why have just your wallet or phone stolen, when you can keep them in the sane case and lose everything all at the same time!! The next stage I presume is to have your keys inside as well and maybe a GPS with your home address and car location inside, so that your entire life can go missing in one go. .........plus - What the hell is the woman in the helmet doing? She appears to be riding a wheel!? WTF!?
6. Grass. Do you really want your dog or cat to have its own grassed area in the corner of your living room or bedroom? Just how lazy do you have to be to have your dog shit on a bit of fake grass next to your TV instead of letting him out of the door. Perhaps you can get a spare one for your kids, so you don't have to change their nappies. Maybe one for yourself too because you cant be arsed to leave the room to visit the bathroom?!
7. Shirt. This bloke always wanted to be a male model . Now he just wants to jump off the nearest bridge. THE. WORST. SHIRT.EVER.
8. Pet pictures Haahaaahaaahaaahaaahaahaaahaaahaaaaahaaaahaahahaahaaaahaaaa. Do I need to say anything else!? Perhaps you could put this picture up above your special dogs grass toilet area by the TV (See number 6)
9.The newest craze. Firstly - Is this really the newest Craze? Have you seen this anywhere? Ever? Secondly. read the wording........have you read it? Do you understand what the hell you have to do!? No, me neither!!! Just plain weird!
10. Hmm - I really don't know where to start on this one. Its basically two stripes that you attach to your windscreen and allow you to know where your front wheels are pointing. Does this mean that the stripes move with your wheels? (No) Is this a fucking dangerous invention? (Yes) Do people who don't know where there wheels are or which way they are travelling need help? Yes, they do - but that's because they are either blind or stupid and shouldn't be driving anywhere ever!!
I'm tempted to buy this just to see what shite they come up with on the DVD!!
11. Strider. Haaaahaaaahaaahaa - Do you want this monstrosity in your house? Would you also take it out in public?? Haahaaahaa. Where the fuck would you park it? Its massive!! I guess you have to do something with scrap metal...haaahaahaa
12. Zombie. This is actually quite funny and something I could see my dad having in his garden.
Its still ridiculous though!
13. Big Foot. OK, this is also weird but good fun. The strangest part of this is the fact it says its 'life sized'. Really?? So this is the correct size of a mythical beast that has never been captured or proved to exist. (It is the correct size of the faked footage from years ago) I would have this in my garden though, just to keep out the freak with the dodgy shirt and watch collection. If this doesn't stop him, the zombie would!!
14. Luggage shelf. I actually think this may be a great idea. If it works this is possible the best thing in the entire catalogue. I would love to hear if anyone has bought this and how it does!!? An actual good idea! I have no idea why the bloke is wearing a Santa hat though...nobody else in the entire catalogue is wearing one!
15. Haahaahaa Airplane sleep pillow! Do you want to sit next to this bloke on the plane. Excuse me mate...can you please deflate your pillow so I can nip to the toilet? It does look more comfortable that other pillows, but would you be able to sleep over the laughter from all the other passengers as you blow up the thing!?
16. Helmet. Haahaaaahaaa - you don't want to look bald, so instead wear this ridiculous looking helmet, that reminds you just how normal you look with no hair. Also can be used for pretending you are some kind of space explorer from Battlestar Galactica.
17. Glass - Awesome for piss heads. Why bother moving to get the wine bottle from the fridge, when you can empty the entire bottle into this glass. My answer would be to save the $19.99 on this glass and just buy yourself another couple of bottles of cheap plonk. Then just drink from the bottle...it also save on washing up the big glass!!
18 Crane. I just wish I was a kid again, because this looks awesome!!!
So there you go - for next Xmas you may like to take a look through the magazine and buy the most ridiculous presents for people you love (or hate)
Can you imagine going round someones house for Xmas dinner. Walking past the zombie and Bigfoot in the garden, before entering the front door to be greeted by a bloke wearing the worlds most horrible shirt and a silver helmet, carrying a huge glass of cheap wine. He invites you in and proudly shows off the picture of his dog dressed like Napoleon, hung above the steaming turds sitting next to a tiny fire hydrant on fake grass. In the corner is an old man, asleep on a huge pillow and wearing a silly had to cover his bald patch. You make your excuses to leave when invited to view his watch collection, but he offers you a lift home.....Do you take the strider or get a lift in the car with the stickers that show you where your wheels are?
Hmmm.. perhaps its time to pack your case with your travel shelves and get away somewhere else!!!