You would think as I am from little old England, I would do the first...but NO! I am no weak willed pansy and so I get my arse out of bed day after day and drag it outside into the cold Canadian winter, where I throw it against the freezer wall and chill it to the bone by running through the snowdrifts and along the frozen pathways and roads trying my hardest to stick my middle digit up to mother nature where she can royally swivel on it whilst I wink my frozen eyelashes in her direction and think of how soft the local Canadians are who claim this is really cold - They obviously haven't entered a Liverpool bar with a Man United top on - now that's a cold reception!!
One thing has taught me a lesson about Canadian winters though......Don't listen to the weather reports - they are all bollocks. The one way to find out how cold it really is is hidden in the confines of your body and in particular in the small bones in the little finger of your hand on the right!!
I'll explain a little more....
About 11 days ago (I wasn't ABOUT, it WAS 11 days ago), I was completing one of these cold winter runs in about minus 30, with nothing but my frozen eyelashes on view to anyone around, when I slipped on the snow just a few feet from the front door of our apartment block. I tumbled down to the ground and reached out with the apparently strongest part of my body - not my entire hand, but just the small insignificant little pinkie on my right hand, which miraculously halted my bodies tumble towards the snowy abyss and allowed me to recover my composure and complete the remaining 31 feet, 8 inches of my morning workout.I noticed a sharp pain, but put it down to the surprise at the sidewalk heading towards my hand indiscriminately and presumed that the pain would ease quickly and quietly away. It didn't.
Now, 11 days later I can reveal that it hasn't done so and in fact has revealed itself to be a spiderman like super power that reveals itself only when I venture outside and not unexpectedly come across some really cold temperatures. It seems that my little digit has become remarkably efficient at telling me when it is... and I quote from mt fingers reactions - FUCKING COLD!!
Yes, my finger, with whatever damage has occurred inside its simple flesh and bone existence now throbs with pain if the temperature it is inflicted to is below minus 20 degrees or so (Which is where I start to wear long trousers and leave my flip flops at home).
It throbs with agony telling me and anyone around ( by somehow making me swear with disgusting words never before heard outside of a whorehouse or drug den) that it is indeed fucking cold and I should get inside at the first opportunity, as long as I have run at least 3 miles!!
This is good though as the rest of my body doesn't seem to react as much - it copes quite well with the chilly weather and in fact loves the cool calming air in my lungs! However, the little finger, which isn't that little at the moment due to being swollen, tells me its cold by sending pain into my head! Its actually quite a nice , if painful sensation - much like having an early warning system to let me know my hand is about to fall off!
So there you have it - my Canadian cold weather early warning system - fall on your hand, do untold damage to your little finger and know when its too cold to stay outside without at least a long sleeved t shirt........ awesome.....welcome to Canada and welcome to your future. Its like being a robot!!
 |
| The fucked finger weather detection device |
No comments:
Post a Comment